Relational Tip #5

Just to be repetitive and not get in trouble by my wife, haha, all of these tips are not all mine, but coming from Jim Hancock’s book How to Volunteer like a Pro. I would extremely recommend picking up the book and reading it in it’s entirety.

Three thoughts you need to have in the back of your head:

1) Talk about WHAT you think is important

2) Talk about WHY you think it’s important

3) Talk about HOW you think that changes things

So these three thoughts are essential to when you are having conversations with students. Why? They are not yes or no answers. They make the students talk about what really is going on. I cant stand how many times I have been in a small group, or conversation with a student and gotten a “fine” or “good” answer. A, it ticks me off when I cant really seem to be able to talk to students, but it also makes me think about what could really be going on in their lives or their heads.

These three questions leave the answers open ended, which is always a good thing. Talking what you as a leader thinks is important is huge because it allows you to penetrate the students hearts and brains. The what questions allows students to describe her own perceptions of different aspects of life, faith, or anything else that you may be talking about. Hancock in his book writes: ” it doesnt matter what experience, what matters is hearing he/she describe it.” I think Jim is absolutely right, that it doesnt matter what the situation or topic is, what matters is getting into the lives of the students by conversation.

The why questions can help you do the same thing. Although, you cant just ask Why? That leaves you up to the “because” or “i dont know” answers that can really get annoying. We as leaders need to get creative with the way the why questions are formed. When I was in bible college, I had a preaching professor that hammered this idea home in my head: So What? This question is a why question, it is a different form but it allows the students to explore why they are feeling the way the feel, or why they are saying what they are thinking. The why question is a big penetrating question that allows you to really see what the student is feeling and thinking.

Leading into the last question, Why is a great way to lead into How you can change things. The how questions are kind of like the application questions points in a sermon. The How questions allows you to help the students work through problems, issues, thoughts with their own knowledge not some one else’s. It is a vital way not only for you to help the guiding process of right and wrong, but also a vital part of adolescent development that is essential for any student to have growing up. One thing that I have run into has been hearing about how leaders just tell their students what to do rather than help them figure out what they need to do. If we as leaders just tell them what they should do, what would happen to those students when we are not around and they make a wrong decision? Or they don’t know how to make the right decision? The How question is very important to the development and long term learning process of students.

So the three thoughts in every conversation need to be What, Why and How. Remember that these questions will hopefully lead into open discussion. If you ask one of these questions and you get a one word answer, then try and rework the question so you can get a conversation going. Sometimes you will have a student that literally can answer with one word, but most of the time, the question just needs to be reworked. Also remember that when you do get into these conversations, to not dominate but facilitate the conversation between the students.